I learned something Sunday. But not in the pews.

Yesterday at church was one of those days I felt completely defeated. Like, I cried to another church member thankful/tired/overwhelmed tears for helping watch my 2 oldest while my 2 youngest were in the car asleep after church type of defeated. It was one of those days I just couldn't muster up the energy to chase around the 3 year old in the pew, keep the 1 year old from blurting (too incessantly), while encouraging my 2 oldest to *just pay attention* all while trying to be respectful of others. All pressures I put on myself, for sure.

I like to have clear set rules. That are followed. I continue to learn, however, that is not how children operate. I know it's encouraged to keep our kids in mass. I think it is wonderful! Especially yesterday while driving home when my 3 year old sings at the top of his lungs, 

"GLOOOORY BE TO THE FATHER, AND TO THE SON AND TO THE HOOOOLLYYYYYYYY GHOOOOST!"

It is incredible to be in a church that encourages inclusivity of children in the mass. They are just as important! However, there are those times, I believe, that you just need to regroup and decide what matters most. Yesterday, I let that "encouraged to keep the kids in church" change into law. I let it turn into *If I can't keep them in here then what is the point?!* Hence, I felt defeated. 

Sometimes, us moms (and dads) need to hear the sermon and the "shed for you" to fill up our empty cups without chasing a toddler and feeding a baby and trying to encourage the older 2 to pay attention and not poke each other or pull each others' ears or (fill in the blank). Sometimes, that is OK. We made it to church after all.  After a long night of laying with the toddler after a bad dream, only to hear the baby wake up and crying in the other room to eat, getting back to sleep and waking to a crying 6 year old whose foot was hurting at midnight. Then waking up, getting them fed and ready. We made it to church after a discouraging morning of mom once again having nothing that fits her postpartum body. Even with 1 child there were hard moments so don't think if you have less than 3 or 4 that your needs/burdens are less! They are just as real!

Jesus knows. He knows I tried my best. He knows my desire that the boys have a love for Him. He knows. I unfortunately, let my thoughts get to me and I left with the 2 youngest early. I left and drove around in tears. Completely discouraged and overwhelmed because this can be so.hard. 

What I WISH I would have done is go to the nursery. Let my 3 year old play with the blocks even though we should be in mass. Let my baby crawl around the nursery floor, even though he should be in the pew with me. Because you know what? That speaker in the nursery, it's meant for us parents that need to hear but can't muster up that extra energy. And that is ok. So... I will continue to come to church, and if the nursery is where I spend the entire homily, well, that is ok and Jesus knows.